The Unkidding!

The story surrounding actor Joaquin Phoenix’s retirement from the acting world became even more bizarre this week when it was revealed that he is, in fact, not an actor at all.

Two people close to the Academy Award nominee tell us that his entire career has been one long elaborate hoax, which Phoenix started in fifth grade. “He told me about it during Mr. Gillman’s Biology class,” one childhood friend says. “He said, ‘I’m gonna pretend to be a good actor. I’m going to get nominated for all these Oscars and then I’ll do something crazy like retire and become a rapper. The media will flip!’ He was always the artist, always cooking up these insane schemes to hold a mirror up to society, you know?”

Despite many already calling it Phoenix’s best performance yet, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is reportedly trying to see if they can retract his two Oscar noms.

“If this is true, then it’s an absolute disgrace to the acting profession,” says Academy prez Sid Ganis. “For him to just go around pretending he’s somebody he’s not and then taking credit for it… It’s unforgivable.”

Some Hollywood insiders, however, believe that the hoax itself is a hoax.

“It’s not a hoax. That’s the hoax,” says one big-name scribe who asked to remain anonymous. “What people fail to realize is that Joaquin doesn’t have a real personality. Every few years, he reinvents himself, a necessity when you’ve achieved his level of super-sanity. That’s why sometimes he’s a brilliant actor, and others a terrible rapper.”

Phoenix himself remains tight-lipped about the accusation, though many believe it’s likely due to his commitment to the role.

“He’s very smart, very determined. If Joaquin Phoenix, the actor, is really a hoax, then I don’t think we’ll see Joaquin Phoenix, the man, dropping it any time soon,” his agent says.